How To Fake Killer Confidence

The modern woman is expected to do everything: she has an executive-level job, 2.2 kids, a husband who feels mildly emasculated by her, and a group of rad gal pals. You would think all this would be enough, but no—the modern woman is also expected to VALUE HERSELF!!

No matter what stage of life you’re in—adolescence, late-twenties desperation, or anything older, in which case you are basically dead to society on account of you’re old—society expects that women feel like empowered, contributing, valued members of society. UGH. Society needs to shut its stupid mouth.

We are told that valuing yourself is the key to success in all areas of life, from interpersonal to professional to romantic to who knows what else. Ok sure, I’ll value myself while living in a world that tells me I matter only if I look hot like Kate Upton, but that even then I don’t matter enough to have sexual autonomy or personal safety protected. Yup—I’ll get right on that!

Obviously, then, there is no choice but to fake self confidence. Here are my secrets:

  • Walk like a supermodel. As a woman, you are probably being constantly reminded that you’re far from a supermodel, and asked how did you manage to scarf down all that pasta, you porker? Don’t listen to the haters—people will respect you if you walk with confidence even though you feel like a quivering mass of sadness deep inside your soul.
  • Avoid emotional neediness. Here’s a tip for all you basket cases: if you feel an emotion, AVOID EXPRESSING IT AT ALL COSTS!!! You’re only feeding the perception that women are all a bunch of needy whiners.
  • Never express a desire for a romantic partner. You’re being so weak!
  • But if you’re fine on your own, no need to advertise that either. Are you some sort of lesbian?!
  • As a precaution, just don’t speak.
  • But let your inner bitch out sometimes. Men love bitches, but only in very specific situations, like a women’s mud wrestling tournament. You pull that shit at the office and you’ll have a hard time shaking the Office Bitch title that has been rightfully bestowed upon you.
  • Don’t be a slut. If you put out before the third date, you don’t value yourself. Simple as that. Make a man work for it—they like that—and deny any sexual urges you may have in the meantime. Have some respect for yourself!
  • Have a life of your own. This one is hard to fake, but it can be done. For young ladies, this will mean making up an elaborate back story of how they volunteer every weekend at a soup kitchen. Older women just don’t have this burden because generally no one cares what they do.
  • Be interested in current events. This sucks, I know, but you risk being labelled just another airhead if you are ignorant about even one thing of politcalness. As a lady, you must prove your intelligence aggressively to be accepted as a sub equal in society. Don’t mess it up for the rest of us—what you do reflects on every other woman alive.
  • Be Beyonce. Just fucking be her, or you don’t respect yourself.

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